Stream of consciousness 2018

Starting as a stream of consciousness and seeing how far it takes me and if I can kickstart some writing again

I'm sitting in the atrium at school. The feeling that I don't belong here has slowly intensified every time I think about last quarter and the grades I received. I am basically barely containing my anxiety every day to get up and get out of the house and get here. I look around at my fellow students and make excuses as to why I don't belong here and what I should be doing instead.

We still don't have a plan for next year. We don't have any more federal funding after this year and I might end up taking classes out of pocket a quarter at a time once Edie is in kindergarten.We just don't know. There is so much that is up in the air and there are some serious options to consider. I'm trying to get John to go back to BTC for his computer repair technician degree and see if that's something he enjoys and wants to do. He could easily do that out of the house with an upgrade of equipment investment and I could do his billing. We could set up a squarespace website for him and get him going fairly quickly.

I'm basically despairing that I will never get my degree at this point. All this hard work, and for what? Had I been smarter about it at the beginning, had I focused more on my biology degree without trying to do a double major in Spanish like an idiot who thought I was superwoman.... well who knows what I could have accomplished. As for now, I'm not really accomplishing anything. I'm retaking the class I needed to pass with a C last quarter and ended up with a C-. I missed the cuttoff by two percentage points. This will be my third try starting this course and my second time completing it. I really hope that I can do it this time.

I feel like I've slowly lost brainpower over the last few years. I know that chronic sleep dep doesn't help but I literally feel dumber than I used to be. I look around and see people half my age completing these courses and I feel even more useless.

I feel like I'm entering a depressive episode and it scares me. I don't have time to be depressed. I don't have time to be using all my basic daily functioning power to get up out of bed and get to where I need to be, bathed and with teeth brushed. Just fighting back the anxiety and depression is a full time job when I'm lost in an episode and I already have two of those.

I was told my by partner last week that I'm basically not doing my job and that I'm bad at it. I don't know if that's what he was trying to tell me but that's what came across. I felt like yelling that I had been keeping us running for years on my own and that he doesn't get to tell me that I'm bad at it, but he had a point. I'm bad at keeping up at mundanities. Is that even a word? I'm bad at keeping up with day to day financials. I basically do the bare minimum required to keep us running and then rush to finish up the rest at the end of the month, but leave those end of the month closeouts for months at a time. He asked me how he could help me to get those done back in November, and I gave him some of the work to do. He came to me and told me he was burnt out with all the stuff he'd been working on. I felt like telling him that I'm just bad at maintenance but that I've been keeping us successfully running since 2009.

Being bipolar is just hard hard hard.