Friday, February 24, 2017

Prepping for the worst

Fall quarter zoomed by. I shrugged off the insecurities and hit the ground running for my life. John fell easily into stay-at-home-dadding while I broke my brain daily trying to get through the quarter. I did it well. I managed straight A's and thought I could handle anything.

I should know by now that thinking I can handle anything gets me into trouble.

I signed up for a difficult class load for the current quarter. I had no idea how difficult we were talking. The workload was incredible, astronomical. I didn't have any childcare but John this quarter and we needed someone to put in more hours due to slow season at the shop. I quickly started failing first one class, then another.

I spent a couple anguished weeks trying to figure out the best course of action. I ended up dropping my Organic Chemistry class and trying to knuckle through my Genetics class. I have a teacher this quarter in Genetics that I absolutely cannot learn from. Her class is structured for us to learn most of what we need from the book. Her lectures are frenetic and jump from place to place. The lecture slides are dense and make no sense, much less being able to use them to take notes. She refuses to post our grades, instead telling us to email her when we need to find out how we're doing. I've gotten to the point where I hate that class. I hate the lecture and hate the time spent in it when I know I will not get a passing grade.

I already prepared for the worst case scenario of this quarter because it looks like it's happening. I'll get a D or so in Genetics and have to retake it, I dropped OChem, and I'll coast through physics. Next quarter I'm already registered for just 3/4 time instead of full time classes and that's how it's going to be, going forward.

I'm a worst case scenario prepper. We have another worst case scenario playing out right now and I don't even know how to prepare for it because it's too heartbreaking. Our landlords are selling our house and we really want to buy it but we don't think we qualify for a loan. The alternative is moving somewhere and I haven't been able to find anywhere that will allow us to keep our pets. My dogs are like kids to me, so that's breaking my heart. We're meeting with a loan officer today to see if the work we've been doing on our credit is good enough to get us into a home loan so we can buy through Kulshan Land Trust, which is the only way we'll be able to afford this home. It's a long shot, so I'm already prepping for having to move and not being able to keep our dogs or cats. They're all so old, I don't see them getting adopted. I need some help in a big kind of way and don't know who to turn to. I'm out of options.

This whole thing is crashing in on me with a crushing weight every single day. I feel buried under the heft of it. I don't know how to crawl out.

It's spurring some crushing depression that I'm trying to fight off too. So that's great for rolling into finals in a few weeks.

I need some good news. I need a positive break. I need some help.


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