Realities of Bipolar

I'm up. I'm here. I didn't want to be.

It took a huge effort to get me off the couch where I landed this morning after baking. Edie threw a kicking screaming fit on the sidewalk on the way from the bus to school about how she just wanted to go home and be with Daddy all day and I wanted to fall down with her and say "Me too, baby" but instead I picked her up and held her and calmed her down and got her to class and now I'm in the library drinking my coffee and working on my bullet journal to do list.

I told John last night that I was feeling really depressed and he told me that it's probably time to go talk to my doctor about my dose. That bums me out even more. It took years but I'm finally on a medicine that stabilizes me on a fairly low dose and with very few side effects other than a concern about a slight raise in cholesterol. (My cholesterol is actually surprisingly low so it's not a concern for me, specifically.)

The realities of life with this disease mean that some days I'm feeling like I can kick ass and take names, and I CAN. I am invincible. I can take it all on and do it all and do it well and smile and wave a take a bow when it's all done. But when I can't? I don't have time for when I can't, so I muscle myself out of bed and force myself to shower, to brush my teeth, to put on clean clothes and head out the door and get to where I need to go on time. When I'm feeling like this, I don't retain information. I don't make the connections that I can when my brain is working.

I know I need to get my ADHD meds refilled. I haven't been doing that because the process is daunting, even with my primary care giver knowing I have ADHD and that the meds are needed. Which is really fucked up when you stop to think about it. Women, especially who suffer from ADHD are more likely to be avoidant when it comes to routine things like returning phone calls, setting up doctors appointments and following through with them. They make it mandatory to get drug tested for marijuana use when you get your ADHD meds, even though mariijuana is legal in the state of Washington. I don't do it that often but the once a month I have an edible and play a video game or whatever shows up and then I get a big lecture and they tell me if I am tested again and show use they won't prescribe me my meds. It's a big pain in the ass and I hate it.

I got a table in the mostly empty 4th floor of Wilson library where I've been able to sit and do homework the majority of my career here at Western. I should really go back to looking outside, finishing my coffee and my bullet journaling for the day