You turned one.....

Dearest Beatrice,

This last weekend, you turned one. The sun came out, just like it did the day you were born. It was warm and bright and you ran around on the deck in a dress that was just slightly too big for you, while the house filled up with people who love you. We all ate and drank some beer and celebrated that you came to join our family a year ago, and that we all managed to survive this first year with each other. You totally demolished your little smash cake and were super happy and we were all super happy and you got totally spoiled and so so much love.

CAKE MONSTER WANTS ALL THE SUGAR!!

I'm not going to lie to you. This year has been pretty hard. You still don't sleep much, which means that your Dada and I don't sleep much, either. You share our bed, which is something that we decided we didn't want to do before you got here, but after you decided you didn't want to sleep alone, we did so that we could all get a bit more rest. Some nights, you conk out and sleep and snuggle and it's great. I don't have to worry about you not breathing or wonder how you're doing, because you're right next to me. To be honest, Dad is ready to have our bed back, but I'm trying to get go of the idea of having you there for sleepy cuddles. When you first wake up every morning, you sit up and grab both your dad and me by the sides of the face, and laugh while you give us kisses. I totally don't want to give that up. It's the best thing, ever.

Just look at that sweet, pensive face!

In fact, a good deal of the stuff that you do is the best thing, ever. You are so mobile now, running from room to room on your sturdy little legs and barely ever falling down. You love to put things away and take them back out. I bought a repurposed cabinet from my friend Heather, and your current favorite thing to do is to take all your toys and shove them into it and then take them back out. It's pretty great to watch you make connections and watch your brain figure out how you would like things arranged.

Putting the blocks back into the bag is your fave!

This year has been so amazing, and I'm a little sad it's over. Someone told me once that being a mom is a constant lesson in letting go, and a really slow heartbreak. It's cliche and so true. I am learning to step back from you and let you range out in front of me. I am learning to not walk behind you with my arms outstretched so that you learn freedom and autonomy. I am learning to follow your lead, and play with you in the way you want to play, and to try to see the world as you are seeing it. 

We went to the park and I let you run around there for the first time this week. Up until this point, you haven't been sturdy enough or big enough or strong enough to deal with the changing levels of the grass or the gravel. But this week the sun came out after what feels like a really long winter, so I put you in the Boba and we walked a mile and a half over to the Tot Lot from the Black Drop while your Dad was at work. I put you down into the grass and your face instantly broke into my favorite of your grins, your happy, goofy laughing one. You said "BYE" and ran away from me at top speed. I sat in the sun, drinking my coffee and watching you run around and fall down and get back up and laugh and laugh. It was amazing. You're so daring for one so little. Other moms there commented on how tiny you are and how adventurous you are for your age. I kept telling them that you're obviously really independent and that your Dad and I basically just let you go and we follow after you to make sure you don't get dead. You ran up and hugged other kids, their moms, even a strange dog before I could stop you. (To be fair, the dog was on a leash and was super friendly to the other kid over by it, so I wasn't that worried.) You were like sunshine incarnate, my laughing and joyful little gift.

First time in a swing!!!

Today, something else big is happening in the world and I wanted you to know about it. Today and tomorrow, the Supreme Court of the United States is hearing arguments to help them decide whether or not to give equal weight to the marriages of gay people in our country. Besides believing that every single person is created equal, this is a big deal to your Dad and I. We both have friends and family that we love who are gay, and it makes us really angry when people try to say that their love isn't as important because it doesn't fit a narrow religious view of what love should mean. More than that, though, your Dad and I really believe in people being exactly who they are and that no one should be able to tell them that they are less important than anyone else. It got us talking about who we hoped you will grow up to be and what we want for you.

I would be lying if I said that I don't have an idea of what I would like you to be when you grow up. I would like for you to be smart, courageous and strong, but most of all I hope that you will be kind. Being strong or courageous or smart doesn't matter as much if you cannot be kind to others and kind to yourself. We think that all parents try very hard to give their children the best of themselves, and that each child will take from that what they will and will become their own person. I know that my parents tried very hard to instill Christian values in me and they made no secret of their desire for me to believe in God. However, one of the best things they did for me was to teach me to think critically and to admit that they didn't think they had all the answers. My parents taught me tolerance and acceptance of other ideas and that debate is healthy. In that vein, I have something you need to know.

Dearest, sweetest little Bea, your Dad and I will always love you, no matter who you are. The best thing you can do is be your authentic self. Of course, we will do what all parents do, and we will try to teach you the values that are important to us: Service to your community, speaking out for people who are afraid or cannot speak for themselves, treating all other people with respect even when you disagree with them, standing up for what you think to be correct even when it is difficult to do so, and kindness in the face of ugliness. However, we don't ever want you to think that we have the only moral high ground and we certainly want you to question, question, question. Even if you decide that you are a gun toting, socially conservative, Christian, Republican little lady, your Dad and I will love you. We place no conditions on that love. All you have to do to make us proud is to be exactly who you think you are inside. You can expect debate and questioning from us, even when we agree. We want you to be able to explain what you think and why you think it, but we won't tell you that you are wrong. 

You are perfect. Perfectly perfect. No matter who you grow into. No matter how you get there. No matter what fights we have about choices or behavior between now and then. I want you to remember this. We will write this out when you are practicing letters. You are my joy. You are my light. You are perfect and whole as you are. You are enough. You will always be enough. There will never be conversations about your potential to be something else and you should never feel that you have failed us. Just be exactly who you are, sweetbea, whoever that is. 

Your mama loves you SO, SO much. So does your sweet Daddy. You are the best thing that has ever happened to us and we won't ever let you forget it.

Family photo. This is a typical morning for us. 6 am, before coffee.