When talking about it repeatedly like a grownup and offering your heart in honest terms stops working, it feels like all that's left is closing off your expectations and letting it go. I am trying to remember today that I am a valuable person who doesn't need to allow myself to be defined by relationships that leave me. As a people pleaser who works best when everyone likes me, and a person who values my close relationships, it hurts to find myself mistaken in someone's regard for me. Again.
I've tried talking it out with this person. We've discussed this several times. We are both busy people, but time and again, I see that while I make time for them, even just a text or Facebook message or 5 minute visit, they don't make time for me. They do have time for friends that live farther away and are more time consuming to get to. They have time for Co workers and other local friends. Although I keep a huge space open in my heart for this person and still think of them daily, I feel like a passing fad for them. This has happened to me often enough in this relationship that I am finally getting the message to give up. Overall, this happens to me often enough, I obviously need more practice learning this lesson well, or it wouldn't continue to reappear. I am trying to take this big hurt in my heart that has been there for a few weeks now and push it back down into my chest. I am trying to focus on people who do make time for a text or message or call for me, even when we are both insanely busy.
Being a grownup is a good deal like being in High School, still. That's just dumb.
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