total meltdown

I had a complete meltdown last night. It's been building all week. I called Kat, and cried to her while she was on a bus or somewhere else in public. Then I went into the kitchen where my husband was busy making me dinner, and I washed dishes while bawling and talking to him, because I needed something to do with my hands while I got out whatever has been poisoning me this last week.

It's a confluence of events and I don't want to get into all of them. I have a situation I can't resolve, and feelings about that situation I can't face. I have a relationship I can't salvage, and it's been weighing on me for months. I have tried, I have tried to make the step needed to just fix it... but every time I try, the words get stuck in my throat and my mouth won't form them, because I know if I say "Let's talk about it" the end result will be the same as it was the last few times we've "talked about it" and I will end up being lied to and nursing my broken heart, yet again. I can't do it. I just can't forgive the dishonesty.

I've not always been an honest person. As a kid, I made up fantastical things, and I didn't even know why I was doing it. Stories just flowed out of my lips, and once I'd tell something it would either become real to me or become forgotten. I remember a tearful conversation with my mother, who was asking why I couldn't just stop lying. I told her I was trying, and she said something to the effect of "you don't 'try' you just don't do it anymore." I couldn't figure out why I did it, and I can't really tell you when it stopped. It was just like one day I all of the sudden looked around and wanted everything around me to be 100% real. Now, in my 30's, I can't imagine living another way other than with the integrity I worked to build. I can't imagine sacrificing my friendships or relationships for some short term immediate goal. I can't imagine, say, sacrificing a family I had built with a support network of people who fought hard to help me stay healthy, all for the short term gratification of the attention of a married man. Unfortunately, not everyone in my life sees things this way.

Hence the meltdown.

I can't handle the dishonesty. And it's killing me.

I need a solution. Or another meltdown will be close behind.