This and that and stuff and things

I'm at work. This is my secret time to post in my secret Blog. Tmobile hasn't gotten wise to this space as an "inappropriate site" yet so YAY.

How do I add someone as a team member? I can't figure it out.

John and I are nerds. We spent most of the weekend playing D & D heroes on his X-Box. When we beat that game we went to get Baldur's Gate Dark Alliance II and now we're playing that, although I'm starting to get cranky at him for always smashing all the crates and picking up the good stuff before I get a chance to. Plus, I'm not very good at video games. I love them, and I love playing them, I could waste hours on a good RPG or Katamari Damacy. I am not fast at them though, not super speedy or very intuitive with the way the games work. John has spent quite literally what I beleive to be YEARS playing video games, and so he easily inutits the buttons and the controls, easily reads the commands on the bottom of the screen, easily navigates complex bonus structures and spell chains. I don't. I also get confused when there is lots of stuff going on and I'm not used to playing with someone else so sometimes I see his character and I think it is mine, so he is kicking ass and I am hitting buttons thinking I'm helping but really my character is off in a corner somewhere ineffectively swinging at a wall and doing spells that don't help. :( I'm a nerd and I'm not even good at that. Suck.

I thought I was going to lose my job this week. I didn't. That is good. I hate this job though. I really wish I could do something else, I want to quit and go to school full time. I should wait though, until I know I'm getting the money that I need to be able to do that. Hello paperwork. Yay.

I want to work part time doing coffee, which I love love love and not ever have to come back here and hear one more person bitching about phone service they shouldn't have started and can't pay for.

I went out for drinks last night and talked to my friend Leah's friend Leila, who I really enjoy. She works at the police station, and part of her job is transcribing tapes of interviews done by detectives and officers. She was telling me about this case that made her want to personally track the guy down and put a knife in his genitals. He raped a woman, someone who had no car and no way to leave and no money to get out, at a party at his house. Afterwards, the woman was sitting on the porch trying to find a way to get home trying to do anything to get out of there, and the guy came up to her and said "didn't I hear you had 2 kids?" the woman said yes, that she did, and the guy actually told her "wow, I never would have guessed that, your pussy was pretty tight for a woman with two kids."

What.
The.
Fuck.

Leila eventually wants to go into police work and she'll have to deal with things like that on a daily basis. I applaud her for that strength. It made me think that for someone who has experienced domestic violence on a personal level, I'm not very involved in support or prevention services, and I do little to help others who may have been victims themselves. I need to do more. I think what has been stopping me, quite honestly, is that I didn't get out for a long time, in fact, WILLINGLY DISOBEYED POLICE ORDERS to continue with a course of action with the person who was beating the shit out of me, and loved him the whole time even while hating him. I guess I don't feel like I'm an example of a survivor with that kind of track record, that I'm not in the same situations women like the above are in, that my life could have been much easier and the situation much more simple for me to remove myself from, that I had a support network I simply chose to ignore because my addiction to that relationship was so strong and the need for it so hard.

I know counselling will help me, and I don't know why I can't just kick my own ass into it. I don't know what is stopping me, what I'm avoiding. I need to just do it. I harp on John all the time for not dealing with his Bi-Polar, and yet continue to ignore my own issues. Maybe someone else's are easier to see, but I should be more understanding that he most likely feels the same about his issues as I do about mine.

*sigh*

Okay. I should go get food before I have to be back on the phones in 30 goddamn minutes.

I really wish I could spend some time with other people tonight. Maybe I'll make some calls. John and I have been a bit insular.

Being freshly married is great though. I am happy, and seeing my adorable husband across the table from me at breakfast (like this morning at Cafe Toulouse) is one of the best parts of getting up every day.

I can't wait to go home to him tonight.

And with that, I am OFF to other things.

Hasta, peanuts.
Rawr kiddies, Rawr.