Eff this week.

This week has been a real shitter. I do not remember the last time I ended a week feeling so discouraged.

Nothing is going right. I know that logically there are weeks where things just don't jive, and if I can get through them, there will be a better one eventually. It's just the law of averages. It has to happen, it's statistics. But it doesn't feel that way. Right now, I feel like am failing at every single thing I am trying to do. I don't see hope on the horizon about it getting much better, and feel foolish that at 32, I am so focused on going to school and am having such difficulty with classes that 19 year olds are breezing through. I know that I'm smart, I know that I'm probably smarter than most of the 19 year olds who are doing this with very little effort... so why? Why doesn't my brain work to store and recall information, or make intuitive leaps like it used to? Why can't I link somewhat complex concepts and make that snap of recognition that will allow me to grasp what I need to do? I am being entirely honest when I say that I feel I am becoming less and less competent, that perhaps due to my disorder there is some chemical component that is making me dumber.

I feel beaten down, both physically and mentally.

I just bombed a Spanish quiz, full of material that I know, because when people around me start turning in their quizzes, I panic and all the information that I know just disappears. I CAN NOT take a timed test with 15 minutes left in the class. I. Just. Can't.

Today is a day that I am super angry at my brain and I would give anything, anything at all, to have a brain that works like a normal person's brain would work. I hate my anxiety, I hate my brain disorder. I hate that when it is cold and gray and damp outside and I feel so shitty anyway that I all of the sudden just can't deal with people anymore. At all. Not even a little.

I need to go home.