So.

So.

I found an old blog I forgot about tonight while deleting a mountain of emails.

Reading back through the entries, something from 3 years ago seemed eerily similar to what has been happening this last month:

"April 20th, 2007
I woke up jittery and panicky today. I want everything and nothing. My heart races at the thought of leaving the house, I break out into a sweat.

I am tired of being the glue for everything. I am tired of being the stable one. I am tired of taking care of everyone else and not needing anything. I am tired and sick at the thought of picking up after what happened last night. I don’t know how to fix it or make me better.

My brain is mush and my head hurts and I can’t stop moving, and I can’t live like this because I have things I have to do and really who acts like this? My household already has someone who has a mental illness, I don’t have time for me to have one, too.

I wish I could stop shaking."

That kind of describes the last 3 weeks.

I decided to "lady up" as Court and I would say, and I made an appointment to see a doctor. 3 years, same crap, same words, almost to the letter, that I said last week. Some things have really changed for the better in 3 years. I do not even recognize my marriage in my descriptions of life 3 years ago. John and I worked so hard and came out on the other side of all of our difficulties from our first and second years together, that looking back on my complaints of that time, and how he was handling those complaints... it's like I'm not looking at the same relationship, or even at the same person. He's grown up so much, WE have grown together. I am astonished at how much a difference I see when I think of us this morning as opposed to what I just read....

As for the rest of it, the stuff that is JUST in my brain? The horrible stuff that is JUST me? It's pretty much unchanged.

Please, God, just get me through this week and my finals. Just get me through with passing grades and let me breathe again so I can spend the summer getting my brain chemistry figured out. Ok?