The end of the quarter is looming. I have had a really difficult 4 months in my first quarter at Western, and I am sincerely hoping that they won't all turn out this way. Riding the bus down to the Drop today, I had several thoughts, and I'm going to write them here, more for me to look at next quarter when I am stressed than to 'splain my reasonings to you, intarnetz.

This quarter, I had a math class that I just didn't jive with. It was the same LEVEL of math that I took at WCC, and partially the same subject matter. However, my learning style just didn't jive with the way the teacher taught it. He's one of my customers, who I actually really enjoy as a person, he's funny and smart and soft spoken, and I love that he actually legitimately LOVES math. However, I need to understand nuts and bolts of why I am doing what I am doing in Math, and his brain doesn't need to explain the nuts and bolts. The more I went to class and felt hopeless, the less I went to class. The less I went to class, the more guilt I had about going back to class. The time slot it fit in was impossible for me to attend when I didn't get the Biology class I wanted. I could make excuse after excuse for myself, but when it boils down to it, I was so discouraged with the way the quarter started that when we started having trouble with John's school and our personal relationship struggled, I just gave up. I only have so much of me to go around in this way, and when I become stretched too thin, I hermit.

So, I am going to have to retake Math 114. I'm not proud of it. I could have done better. I should have done better.... and I will, next quarter. I probably just cost myself another $400 or so in tuition, and made it mandatory for me to attend school in the summer, something I was really hoping to avoid. But, you know what? What is beating myself up about it and berating myself for my mistake going to accomplish right now? Nothing, except making me feel like a shitty person who bases her worth solely on my accomplishments at school.

So, I'm grading myself in my life as a whole, instead, O' intarnetz. Let's look at some of the other things I accomplished this quarter:

John made it through his first quarter back at school. He almost melted down twice and had a pretty serious psychotic break that left him a lump for a number of days. We didn't get his VA money until 2/3 of the way through the first quarter, and we didn't have money to buy groceries or dog food. Our relationship was spiraling down so fast I was sure that I would get divorce papers in my Christmas stocking... and then, I spent about a week really focusing on what we needed to do to get us both back on track. We started back at the gym. We talked about his meds and wrote lists of things to get accomplished. We held each other accountable for our tasks, both tangible and intangible. We worked on our communication and took time out for each other. We went on an anniversary trip and spent the weekend in a beachside cottage, just a few miles from home, while pretending we were worlds away. We worked back from ground zero to a place where our footing is much more sure, where an explosion will not knock us back down to the lowest point we've been. I'd say, if I were to assign a grade to this, it would be at least a B+ if not an A-.

I took more responsibility at work. I learned the mechanics of several things that I could previously only guess how they functioned. I feel more confident in the operation of behind the scenes, and this makes me more valuable as an employee as well as more help to my employers. Arbitrary grade = A

In most of my friendships this quarter, I took time out to spend with people I'd like to be closer to here in town. I got to see a close friend get married, and got to be a part of it. I took time out to help people close to me with things great and small, whenever I could give of myself, whatever I could give. I think that at least deserves a B.

I am learning how to schedule myself so that I still have time to keep my brain from imploding, and am getting much better at saying "No" when I am overwhelmed. I think I get a B+ there, too.

So, that leaves me with an arbitrary A- GPA? I think I can live with that.