keep swimming

I got to spend some time in Seattle last weekend, watching friends who are so so dear to me get married.

And I forgot my effing camera.

So until someone else posts some pictures I can steal or blogs about it, I can't show you how heart warmingly beautiful it was, or how drop dead gorgeous my lovely Car-Bear was as a bride (She was SO CLASSY OMG!) or how sweet the couples' face splitting smiles were. We all danced, and laughed, and sang along to the music. We got a little teary eyed. Carly glowed and Andy grinned and it was exactly the kind of day you want the people you really love to have.

Since coming home from that weekend, I have had a complete 180 degree turn, going from thankful and happy to miserable, stressed, and horribly depressed.

I cannot wait for this quarter to get done. I hate Western. I hate my classes. I hate being there every day, feeling like I don't matter, like I'm never going to be done, like nothing I do will improve my life there. I resent getting up in the morning and spending my whole day on campus. I'm home for about 4 hours of every day, actually awake. Then I sleep for about 6 hours and get up and do it again. I am resenting every minute I cannot come home and be in my safe place. I am resenting every single afternoon I sit through yet another session of Math.

I keep watching my betta, Heihachi, swim around and around and around his bowl. He keeps moving even though he goes nowhere, because it keeps him alive. I try to remember that I have to keep moving, have to keep moving stuff through my body and go through the motions to survive until I pass through this... but what if I'm in a bowl and will never reach a destination? It feels like I'm going to see this curving wall forever, and it will always look the same...

I wish I could do something to change it. I am trying to give more structure to my days, but I'm also really resenting the fact that with this schedule, I cannot fit a workout in every day anymore, and it makes me feel disgusting. I want to be running again. Every day. I want to be back to my weight lifting routine and the sit ups John and I would challenge each other to do. I was finally getting to a point where I could see results of all our hard work and we were healthier and interacting better and we were happier.

I know that things can always get worse. I know that I should be grateful for what I have. But I am so frakkin' ANGRY at my classes that it makes it hard to be grateful. School is costing me money I don't have and I can't get them to give me more financial aid so we can survive. John's unemployment ran out last week and they didn't switch him to the next level even though he was assured it would happen automatically. As a result, I had to go into my savings to cover things like gas and food we already purchased, and I cannot replace it because I don't know when we're going to have money again to buy things like groceries. We can't plan meals because we can't shop for them. We can't go back to the gym even if we could fit it in because we can't pay for it. John's "stipend" from the VRE has YET to arrive, even though he's been in school since mid September, and the reimbursement from the things they told us we'd have to buy still hasn't arrived. I am worrying we won't be able to pay rent.

To top it all off, we're really doing poorly with our communication. John's disease is a constant stumbling block, and he's not adjusting well to being in school. We're both feeling like we're drowning.

I know that it's just my perception... but everything feels so hopeless.

I just want it to get better. I need something to look forward to. I need to attain a goal I set every week, so that I can feel like I'm not just banging my head against a wall.

Speaking of, it's time to get back to Chemistry homework.