Day One

I am having sort of a rough time, lately, and I kept thinking about it today during class and on the way home. I thought maybe that writing about it would make me feel better. I don't know. But here goes.

I have always had problems with depression. Sometimes it gets better, sometimes, it's all I can do to get up and go take care of my responsibilities.

Lately, with everything that has been going on with John and with school and with my self esteem, it's been really hard to get everything accomplished. I'm trying to kick ass and keep up an awesome GPA while taking care of a Bi-Polar spouse, fighting to lose weight, start an excercize routine to help reduce stress, get crafting done, keep a normal social life and still find time to do things that make me feel like this all has a point. I'm failing miserably at keeping my sanity and keeping myself happy, and for what? I'm almost 31, and I still haven't figured this part out yet? It makes me feel kind of ridiculous and like I will just never really get a handle on things.

Today in Anatomy class, we were talking a little bit about Nutrition. The quarter I took Nutrition was one of the hardest quarters for my self esteem, because we'd talk in class about what to eat and what not to eat and all the ways idot fat girls like myself destroy their bodies and I'd come out of that class every day feeling guilty for looking at food. Then John and I started doing Weight Watchers together and we both were able to lose a decent amount of weight. We stopped when I got too busy to contribute to cooking and meal planning, and things just kind of went downhill. I went back to feeling guilty if I want to eat a slice of cake or if I want to make a batch of cookies. I went back to feeling like 10 pounds of sausage squeezed into a 5 pound sleeve. So, now, I'm in this class with a bunch of runners and bikers and ultimate frisbee players, and all of them are tall and lean and look like they've never had the argument with themselves at midnight about how they KNOW it's a bad idea to go to Jack In The Box for a breakfast croissant but it's much easier than finding an open grocery store, buying food, coming home, cooking the food, and cleaning up the mess. One of my classmates asked our instructor "What do you say to those people who know they're at risk for Type 2 diabetes or Metabolic Disorder who just want to decrease their caloric intake and feel like that will reverse being overweight?" My teacher replied "well, getting an obese person to get up off their ass and move around is pretty difficult." At that point, I started biting my lip and turning my head to stare at the periodic table hung on the wall to my right and concentrated on breathing so that I wouldn't start crying.

"Look," my instructor said "It takes 28 days to break a habit and 90 days to make a new habit. That's 118 days to change a lifelong learned response to food or sedentary lifestyle." She went on to tell a story about some large people that work out in the gym she works at, and how she gives them all kinds of encouragement when she sees them there because she's trying to help reinforce that habit. While I appreciated the sentiment, all I could really feel was shame. My face felt hot. I started sucking in my stomach and thinking how stupid I was to wear my cute little slip dresses I made over my jeans today, and how I really should have left them in the closet, or better yet, given them to a friend who can actually wear them instead of squeezing myself into them and looking ridiculous.

When class got over with, I pretty much packed up and ran. I started walking towards my Calc class and found myself saying "fuck it" and came home to sit in silence and distract myself for a while.

I am running thin. I am running low on initiative and patience and care. I don't have extra to spare of those things right this minute, and I'm tired of living this way. I don't feel like I have many friends anymore. Even my closest friends have developed or are developing into completely different people and my path is diverging from the people I thought would always be in my life. This is another part of growing up that I never learned how to handle, and now that I'm an actual real life adult woman, it's not any easier than it was in high school.

Driving home, I started thinking over the spells of depression I've periodically endured since adolescence, and about how I deal with them. I thought of those 28 days it takes to break a habit and the 90 it takes to make a new one, and I found some small store of determination.

My main goal is just to make it through this quarter. I just want to make it through. I don't even care about getting a bang-up grade in either of my in person classes right now, I just want to survive and pass. I turned onto Bakerview from the college and thought "How stupid is it that my intelligence seems to rest on such a small thing, that my level of functioning is determined by my brain chemistry."

I am more than a collection of neurochemicals. I am more than impulses from my neurons to my spinal cord. I am more than some endocrine gland malfunctioning. I am more than the collection of all of my biological processes.

So, I decided that today is day one. Day one of breaking the habit of running, hiding, fighting like hell for diminished function and falling again. Today is Day One of making a schedule and planning and making a reason to get up in the morning. Today is Day One of ignoring the voice in the back of my head that tells me I'm a loser if I just can't face something that day, and allowing myself to do what I need to be peaceful while I'm still doing what I need to do to succeed.

I got into Western. I'm going to be a teacher. I am going to get a degree in Biology, with good grades. I am going to apply for Grad School when I'm done. I'm going to be a solid student and I'm going to wow my professors. I am going to make time for excercize and I'm going to eat better. I am going to make time every day to study.

I am also going to give myself leeway to not be perfect. I'm going to give myself leeway to let my brain scramble when it needs to. I am going to allow myself to take a day to fuck with my iPod if I can't handle studying. I am going to allow myself the luxury of hiding when I don't want to deal with my life, by allowing a set amount of time for me to unwind and let my thoughts sort out, and then the next day I'm going to get up and get back on it.

So, today, I'm fucking with my iPod to get some playlists for running loaded. I am organizing my music so I can easily change the playlists. I am sitting in my pajamas in my quiet house while John is out with his friends, and I am enjoying the alone time. I will read some Anatomy tonight and get my calculus papers in order, but I'm not going to have a freakout about the test tomorrow and I'm not going to let myself feel like I'm a failure. I am going to do the best thing I can for myself, and accept that today was the best I could make it.

I am going to make time to be social with friends who care about me, to help keep me sane. I am going to spend more time away from John to give us the space we need to keep our relationship healthy. I am going to continue to be a good student and a good worker, and accept that sometimes I take a hard quarter where I can't get all "A's" and that it doesn't mean I'm worthless.

Today is Day One of breaking the habit of telling myself that I can't do it, that I will fail at whatever I try, that I am less than worthy of happiness. Today is Day One of my 28 days to break the habit I've developed of making myself out to be less than I am.

And if I screw up? If I don't get every one of my personal goals acccomplished in a day? Well, the next day can always be another day of my 28.