So, last day of finals. I have to start heading off to school. I need to get it done, get it off my mind, and I am finding it hard to get up, get moving, get motivated to care.

I worked my ass off this quarter, and I bombed my Anatomy final. Ten hard, long fought weeks of studying at the lab almost every other night, never being home to see my pets or husband, and struggling to maintain my GPA, all blown by the last two weeks of bullshit and strife. And what hasn't happened in the last two weeks? John had a meltdown, one bad enough that at times I was wondering if we were going to have to hospitalize him again. I dealt with it the best I could, and tried to keep my eye on the prize. Then, my personal life had another set of meltdowns that I not only can't fix but don't have the energy to try when I'm trying to make it out of this quarter with at least one "A". All my hard work, all my struggle.... it feels like I'm fighting for nothing, sometimes. I practically kill myself at school so I can eventualy have the things I desperately want, like financial stability, a home of my own, and children. It is slowly dawing on me that I just may not have any of these things, no matter how hard I work. When John crashes like this, my support system of people who really understand his illness in context is small, and the people in it are often wary of getting involved. So, in the last week when every day has been a major upheaval, when every day follows the pattern of get up, get out, stay out all day and hope for the best on my return, it gets a thousand times worse because my support system pulls away and again, I'm floundering alone in this sea of John's illness.

So, today, while he goes through his morning routine of reading everything posted on Gizmodo since he last looked, and checking Kotaku and Facebook and the D&D Insider for new stuff, I'm going to go quietly get in the shower, mentally prepare for anotther day of staying out as long as I can, and try to hit the street, tackling the other monumental interpersonal bullshit that has been thrown in my face this week. And I'm going to do it alone. And when today is done, and my finals are finished, and I'm at the Grand Avenue having a drink, I'm going to try to devise a strategy to deal with John in the 8 days I don't have to fight fight fight, like a fish against the current.

So here I go, swimming.