I haven't really slept in a couple of days now. Things with my homelife, worklife, and friends were building to a crescendo I knew would shatter something. I didn't know that crescendo would shatter my marriage.

Our fights have been particularly awful since John "lost" his job. The day he told me he was fired for an ATTENDANCE issue, of all things, I was over the top furious. He told me that he needed my support. I told him if he wanted it, he'd have to go away for an hour and let me freak out, and when he came home, we'd make a plan. We did that. The plan included mapping out together our next steps, which we did with careful and open communication. We talked about our budget, our bills, our groceries, his job search, his VA benefits, my healthcare. We made a plan. We put it in writing, in a list. We talked about a redistribution of household duties.

Then the list went unheeded. I praised and praised every little thing he got done while the days ticked by and no efforts were made on his part to find a new job. I'd come home to the house a disaster, no clean clothes, Dexter locked in his kennel, and John playing Halo 3 or Bioshock with glazed eyes.

Then he started smoking pot again. And lying to me about it.

I can handle the fuck-ups. I totally can. We had a huge talk about how when either of us makes a mistake we have have have have to be honest. I can be angry about a mistake and then it will pass. A lie erodes my faith, erases my trust. I told him that even if it were a big fuck up, we could work through it with truth, but not if he couldn't be honest with me.

After another one of our nighttime blow ups where I told him again what I needed from him and asked him why he wasn't doing it. I found out through the events of the night that John, in fact, had WALKED OUT on his job. No notice, no nothing.

Awful things were said. I realized I can't living like this, I can't trust him and this is the straw and I am that provervibal camel.

John moved out today, and for all intents and purposes, this is the big "D". I've asked him not to call me and asked his fabulous and well beloved family for space. He needs them right now, and he needs to know they are in his corner.

I feel shitty and I miss him more than I can say. I feel sick, laying in this bed all alone. I missed his laugh during Heroes tonight, and I miss the smell of the hollow of his collar bone as I head to sleep.

This is awful. I just can't function. I don't have the will to do anyhing, including sleep.

This took me an hour and a half to write.

I am sending up prayers that he take care of himself tonight.

I miss my husband.