I am drowning

I can barely keep my head above water lately. Everything is falling to shit. I can't bail fast enough to keep from sinking.

I spent 2 hours laying on the floor in front of my fireplace last night. I found out my marriage is full of lies. John left, unable to look me in the face while I cried and asked him how we're supposed to survive when we have no trust, no basis for an honest give and take. Katy called me and asked me to come out for tea. I told her I couldn't move from the floor.

I got into a hot bath with a bottle of muscle relaxants and a bottle of wine. I still don't know if I intended to get out again.

My phone started ringing off the hook, then Katy and Marissa were at the door, pounding.

I don't know where things are right now. On top of all of this, I have a couple of former "friends" who are slandering me on the internet and sending me the most vile and hate filled messages by text I've ever received. I talked to my bosses, I told them I can't wait on these people anymore, I can't be around them, even the mention of their names makes me feel sick inside. I was basically told I could suck it up. I was told I have bigger fish to fry and this is a non-issue.

I hate it here. I am sick of being surrounded by people who say they love me, but when they see me aching like this I get no support, I just get bullshit. Not one of my "friends" has come out and said to Andrew or to Amber "knock it the fuck off and leave her alone. She's got enough going on." or even "she takes time to think things through, she takes time and space, you're not giving those to her so you can't expect her to have the answer right now." No. They are worried about preserving the status quo, the circle as it stands.

I need sleep.